Posted by Communication and exchanges are the basic social attributes of human beings. For society, the higher the communication efficiency, the higher the level of civilization; for the company, the higher the communication efficiency, the more efficient the operation.
As an advocate and practitioner of telecommuting, communication is particularly important to Xinyi Internet.
The day before yesterday, the Xinyi Internet Reading Club (also known as the New Youth Reading Club) shared the book "Nonviolent Communication" online, and Cui Yingjie, the technical director, gave us a wonderful theme sharing.
Nonviolent communication is hailed by the United Nations as one of the best practices in global conflict resolution, and its training is currently being carried out in 35 countries and regions around the world. Learning nonviolent communication is of great benefit to our work and life. Let's talk about how to communicate nonviolently.
There are four steps to nonviolent communication: observe, feel, need, ask.
observe
The first element of nonviolent communication is observation. We make observations in a specific time and context, and describe the observations clearly. For example, "Du Lala was late three times in the past 5 days instead of saying that Du Lala is a lazy person".
Before criticizing, let's think about it, is he a lazy person, or is his behavior called lazy by us?
I've never met a lazy person, only someone who sleeps in the afternoon, someone who is late, someone who...
Confusing observation with commentary, others tend to hear criticism and contradict us. Many times we think we are saying what we observe, when in fact we are commenting.
For example, a sentence I often say is: "You always don't take care of my feelings!"
Is this sentence an observation? No, it's a comment. First, what frequency is "always"? How many times a day? How many times a week? Second, what kind of behavior is "not taking care of my feelings"?
What this sentence conveys is the judgment of the other party and the venting of one's own emotions. It does not help the other party to discover the real problem, and further communication is impossible.
And what is the correct way to do it? ——"You criticized me three times today because of XX." We said the specific things and became a real "observation".
The Indian philosopher Krishnamurti once said:
"Observation without comment is the highest form of human intelligence."
to feel
The second element of nonviolent communication is feelings. The language most of us use tends to judge, dictate, and blame rather than encourage us to listen to each other's feelings and needs.
Most of the time we think we are expressing our feelings when in fact we are expressing our thoughts. The boss told me to work overtime and made me feel very angry. Is this how you feel? No, this is your opinion.
We can understand the relationship between feelings and ourselves through the expression "I (feel)...because I...". So avoid sentences like "You did XX to make me feel XX". Instead, "You did XX and I feel XX because I want XX."
For example: The boss told me to work overtime during the holidays, and I was very angry because I wanted to travel during the holidays.
This is expressing feelings, and "feeling" emphasizes one's own mood. The reason for feeling is not what the other party said, but what you read from this sentence.
In this way, we attribute the cause of our unhappiness to ourselves instead of making the other person feel guilty and blamed. Self-blame and guilt can often solve temporary problems, but they will leave imprints on the other party like violence, which is not conducive to the next communication.
need
The third element of nonviolent communication is need. First, you must be able to face your own needs. The second is being able to relate feelings directly to needs. Most of the time we think we are saying we need it, but we are actually blaming the other party.
Once we start talking about needs without blaming each other, it is possible to find ways to meet the needs of both parties.
A grassroots employee sent an email to the leader asking to participate in training, but there was no reply for three weeks. Instead of asking: "Why didn't you give me training feedback after three weeks?" It's better to say frankly, "What training do I really need? If I can't accept the training, I am worried that my work efficiency will be low and the company's business will be hindered..." Later The kind of statement that will make others accept the request.
"You criticize me, and I'm sad because I think you don't like me." This doesn't actually express your real needs, but instead becomes an accusation against the other party.
The first two parts of the expression were actually successful, expressing observations and feelings, but when this step was needed, all previous efforts were suddenly wasted. When the other party feels blamed, his behavior will tend to self-protection and justification, and the goal we want to achieve is abandoned halfway, and it may eventually turn into mutual accusation and enter a vicious circle again.
What is the correct way to do this? ——"You criticize me, I am very sad. Because I want to be affirmed by you."
Observations, feelings, and needs are clearly expressed. At this time, if the other party pays attention to your needs, he may apologize first, review his behavior, and further ask what you want him to do.
ask
The fourth element of nonviolent communication is asking. We avoid abstract language and instead make requests with concrete descriptions.
When it is made clear that there is no intention of imposing, people generally believe that we are making a request rather than an order. Nonviolent communication values the needs of each individual, and its purpose is to help us connect with people based on honesty and listening.
First of all, it is necessary to distinguish the difference between "request" and "command".
"Can you stay with me? Because I feel so alone right now and I need you." is the request.
"Can you stay with me? Do you have other things to do tonight? Do you value that more than me?" It became an order.
The above talks about one's own needs, communication is two-way, how to tap other people's needs?
The answer is to listen.
Listening means letting go of preconceived ideas and judgments and focusing on understanding others wholeheartedly.
When we give feedback, if the tone is very positive, as if we are announcing our inner world, then usually there will be no good response. However, once others sense through our tone of voice that we are experiencing rather than judging them, they generally do not resent it.
Once we become acutely aware of and attend to our own feelings and needs, we are able to tune in to listen to others. The more you pay attention to your inner voice, the more you will be able to hear the voice of others. Israeli philosopher Martin Buber said:
For all the similarities, every moment of life is like a newborn baby, a new face that we have never seen before and are unlikely to see again. We cannot dwell in the past, nor can we foresee our reactions. We need to feel the change without prejudice, and we need to listen with all our hearts. "
Nonviolent Communication guides us to transform the way we talk and listen. We no longer react reflexively, but understand our own observations, feelings, and wishes, use language consciously, express ourselves honestly and clearly, and respect and listen to others.
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